The Merking of OBL Part 2: Barack Obama Calls George W. Bush

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NOTE: This is the second post in the series, THE MERKING OF OBL, which will explore the death of Osama bin Laden. Read Part 1 here. Check back later this week for part 3 and maybe 4, I haven’t decided yet (what do I look like, The Decider?), as well as a regularly scheduled non-bin Laden FORGIVE HIM FATHER post.

Shortly after President Obama received word that Osama bin Laden was killed in a Navy SEAL raid of his Pakistani compound, he put in a call to his predecessor, George W. Bush, to inform him that the military had captured and killed the terrorist he had hunted for the majority of his presidency. This is a transcript of that historic conversation.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Hello?

BARACK OBAMA: Hello, George it’s Barack.

BUSH: Who?

OBAMA: Barack Obama, the President of the—

BUSH: Oh that’s right, the colored fella they got to replace me. How the hell are ya?

OBAMA: Uh, pretty good. On top of the world, actually. Got some good—

BUSH: Well, I’m glad to hear that. I remember when I was the decider. Woo, that was a tough job. Someone always expectorating me to do something or say something and then when you do something, everyone has some goshdarn criticism of it. Man, that was a tiring. Saddest day of my life was when that Kanye West fella said I was a racist.  And I was a big Kanye West fan. (singing) “I ain’t saying she one of them, whatchacallems…uh, golddiggers, but she not messing with no broke—“

OBAMA: Uh, George…

BUSH: Heh heh. I wasn’t gonna say that word. I was gonna replace it with “slave.” Anyway, all I’m saying is that I love your people. My Secretary of Education. A black. Secretary of State. A colored. And another colored.

OBAMA: Well, I have some news about the, uh, War on Terror—

BUSH: War on Terror? Heh heh heh. You’re still doing that? Boy, that sure does bring back some good memories. Like a lot of my policies, that one started as a joke. After 9/11 me Rummy, Colin and ‘em were sitting around all confusified. I mean, if the Soviets had attacked during that ol’ Cold War, we could just up and strike back, but it warn’t no country that attacked us. It was a bunch of guys working for a dangerous religious fundamentalist who was only rich because his daddy was rich. So I just threw my hands up. Then Dick, he says, “How about we fight a War against Terror?” Then we all get to laughing and backslapping. I said, “Terror? That’s just a word? You cain’t fight a war against a word.” Then Rummy says, “Why, not? You fight a war against the English language every time you speak.”

As a prank on the colored fella, Rummy made up some stuff about Saddam Hussein trying to get yella cake to make nuke-u-ler weapons. He believed it and went off and made a speech about it before we coulda tol’ him it were a joke. Shoulda seen Dick there laughin’ when Colin was speaking and then that boy stepped down from the stage and I was all, “Gotcha!” Boy, were we laughing. Unfortunately, that started the war in Iraq, but damn if it warn’t the funniest moment I had in all my eight years.

OBAMA: Well, that’s all very interesting, but I want to tell you about Osama—

BUSH: Osama? Well, ain’t that you?

OBAMA: No, I’m Obama.

BUSH: Heh. That’s right. So what about him?

OBAMA: Well, for eight years you went looking for, uh, Osama bin Laden. He never turned up, did he?

BUSH: I don’t know where he is. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him to be honest with you.

OBAMA: It has to, uh, bother you? Keep you up at night, huh? You had eight years and he kept running. That doesn’t make you feel like an, uh, failure?

BUSH: I repeat what I said, I am truly not that concerned about him.

OBAMA: But he killed over 3,000 people on U.S. soil.

BUSH: Man, who knew something like that was in the works?

OBAMA: Yeah, it’s not like you received a memo titled, “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.” a month before 9/11 or something like that.

BUSH: See that’s what I hate about eggheads like you and your fancy book learnin’. Always so sarcastic. Think you’re so goshdarn ‘telligent.

OBAMA: Book learnin’ is a good thing–

BUSH: Sure, sure. Don’t get me wrong, I read books. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I was reading a book on 9/11 when the whole terrorist thing happened. Never did find out what happened to that daggone pet goat.

OBAMA: George, can I ask you something?

BUSH: Yeah, Barry, go ahead.

OBAMA: Do you like apples?

BUSH: Sure, Barack, I like apples.

OBAMA: I, uh, killed bin Laden. How do you like those apples?

(Obama hangs up. Moments later Bush’s phone rings; it’s Obama calling back.)

BUSH: Hello?

OBAMA: George, it’s Barack again.

BUSH: Well, if that warn’t the rudest thing. I started the hunt for him, you know.

OBAMA: George, you’re right—

BUSH: Waterboarding. That was me. Guantanamo Bay. That was me. The Patriot Act. Unmanned drone strikes. Me. Me. Me.

OBAMA: None of those are positive developments.

BUSH: Tax cuts for the wealthy…how would you have found Osama if it warn’t for the tax cuts? Just give me my proper credit is all I’m saying.

OBAMA: Look, I apologize if it seemed like I gloated and then hung up on you; I’m sorry if anyone was offended.

BUSH: Well, that’s more like it. Where was he anyway?

OBAMA: Paki-stan.

BUSH: (chuckling) Where?

OBAMA: Paki-stan

BUSH: (laughing hysterically)

OBAMA: George, uh, what’s so funny?

BUSH: The way you say it. Emphasizin’ the first syllable all hard. Paki-stan. Paki-stan. Heh heh. Say it again.

OBAMA: Uh, no. I’m going to Ground Zero to honor the first responders later this week. I want you to join me.

BUSH: Rocky, you’re an honorable man. That’s a decent thing to do. Could you slip a line in your speech that says waterboarding led to the capture?

OBAMA: Uh, no.

BUSH: Forced nudity?

OBAMA: No.

BUSH: Sleep depri-depri…stopping them terrorists from sleeping?

OBAMA: No.

BUSH: How about we tell them that I flew in at the last minute and killed Osama with my bare hands?

OBAMA: George, none of that is true.

BUSH: Well, then I ain’t comin’.

OBAMA: Come on George, the nation needs to see this.

BUSH: No. I don’t wanna.

OBAMA: I talked to Rudy, He’s coming. Said he’s buying a new red dress for the occasion.

BUSH: Can I at least wear my flight suit?

OBAMA: Michelle, I told you this was a bad idea.

BUSH: Your wife there? Ask her if I can bring my Mission Accomplified banner.

OBAMA: Look, are you coming or not?

BUSH: Barack, I shoulda told you this earlier, but I heard the ghost of Saddam is out in Nigeria trying to get yella cake to make some more of them WMDs.

OBAMA: Goodbye, George.

BUSH: Dang it. The other colored fella fell for it.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.