The Merking of OBL Pt. 1: An Interview With Fred, Osama bin Laden's 72nd Virgin

NOTE: This is the first post in the series THE MERKING OF OBL, which will explore the death of Osama bin Laden. Check back later this week for parts 2, 3 and maybe 4, I haven’t decided yet, as well as a regularly scheduled non-bin Laden FORGIVE HIM FATHER post.

With the news that avowed terrorist and leader of Al Queda, Osama bin Laden was killed by American forces in a raid on his Pakistani compound, we put in a call to Paradise to have a post-mortem discussion with the freshly  martyred bin Laden. The woman who answered our call in Paradise laughed us off the phone three times.

Undeterred, we called purgatory where we faced similar laughter. Finally, we put in a call to the fiery lakes of Hell. Mr. bin Laden, we were told, was busy with orientation activities including lunch with Shaytan and a mandatory sexual harassment seminar. As it is a busy time in Hell, Shaytan, we were told, was similarly unavailable to comment. After some back and forth, Shaytan’s public relations reps (who, incidentally, invented the public relations industry) offered us the opportunity to speak to Fred, one of 72 male virgins assigned to Mr. bin Laden. Fred discussed Shaytan’s sense of humor, eternal punishments and coming in 72^nd.

Let’s get this out of the way; there are a lot of conspiracy theories. U.S. forces killed Osama bin Laden and he is currently in Hell, correct?

Yes, I’ve seen him many times. A lot of jihadists think all you have to do to get to Paradise is be devout, pray five times a day and kill a lot of infidels. Surprisingly, it doesn’t work that way.

What’s Mr. bin Laden’s demeanor? What’s he look like?

His demeanor? I haven’t gotten the chance to speak with him yet. We’re gonna get up close an personal soon, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. How he looks? He was looking pretty chic the last time I saw him. Get it? It’s a play on words. Chic, like ‘stylish or fashionable’ and sheik like the honorific title they use in Arabic.

That’s not a very funny joke.

(deep sigh) You’re right. I joke to keep my spirits up about being number 72. It’s an honor just to be picked for this job, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, “I only got picked because Mark, Jason and Michael Jackson bowed out.”

I’m sorry to hear you’re so conflicted.

I don’t want your readers to pity me. Look, this is the position I was assigned. It’s still an honor. I’m not complaining too much. It’s better than being the 35^th virgin to some random suicide bomber from Riyadh.

Let’s make it clear, what exactly will Mr. bin Laden’s eternal punishment be?

Somewhere along the line, Shaytan thought it would be funny, since the jihadists expect 72 “non-menustrating and childfree” virgins with “swelling breasts,” to go ahead and give them 72 “non-menustrating and childfree” virgins with “swelling breasts.” Shaytan is a lot funnier than you expect him to be. Who would have thought that “swelling breasts” refer to plump pec muscles?

So the death of Osama bin Laden was exciting news for some here on Earth, I imagine it is a pretty special time down in Hell too.

Oh, Shaytan-yes. I’ve been assigned to the bin Laden case as one of his 72 virgins since he started slaughtering people for this whole jihad business, but I wasn’t told this was happening. Most of us had lost hope this was ever going to occur. When the news broke, even I, a minion of Hell, got emotional. It was a somber moment for me, but then the guys linked arms and started singing the Star-Spangled Banner and chanting, “USA, USA, USA.” It was really beautiful.

Didn’t you guys feel a little weird celebrating someone’s death and banishment into eternal darkness?

No, not at all. We’ve been training for this day for a long time. I’ve kept myself busy by whispering evil deeds into the hearts of men and writing Tyler Perry movies. Both had been getting tiring. Did you see Madea’s Big Happy Reunion? Not my best work. Been pretty uninspired lately. I’m happy for the change of pace. Everyone’s real excited. It’s like a holiday.  I haven’t gotten my turn yet, but hey, I have all of eternity, you know.

But you’re dead last behind a whole lot of other guys, that can’t be pleasant.

The minute I’m OK with my station in life here you come to make me feel bad. (deep sigh). I mean, I’ve worked out a bit, kept myself clean and presentable, made sure my “breasts” stayed swelled. Why wasn’t I picked to go earlier? I wouldn’t have minded being 3^rd, 5^th, 10^th or even 34^th. Who ever heard of sloppy seventy-seconds?

Describe to us the atmosphere down there.

Hell is as you expect it, dark and hot—like really hot—and crowded and it always smells like someone’s rotted asshole. Very reminiscent of Manhattan in the summertime, but not nearly as unpleasant.

Lately, though it’s been like a huge party. That Hitler guy keeps talking about trading war stories with Osama. That guy from Milli Vanilli wrote a special song that he plans to lip synch to bin Laden. You should see him walking around here practicing, just jabbering his jaws.

Describe to us a little bit what Mr. bin Laden will likely face for all of eternity.

Not much to it at all. After orientation, they bring him down to us and we line up by number and yeah…we kind of get to it one after another for all of eternity.  There’ll probably be some wine and soft music, oh yeah, and candles, but other than that, it’s a pretty straight-forward affair.

And the Jihadists facing this sort of punishment, how do they react to all of this?

Yeah, that’s something that always surprises me. They are always so shocked and outraged that they are in Hell. Mohamed Atta was all, “There must be some mistake! Who are all of these hairless men? All the infidels I killed? Where is my eternal reward? When the Koran mentioned getting a dome with pearl, aquamarine and ruby, this is not what I had in mind! Who would have thought Pearl, Aquamarine and Ruby were three guys? And dome, don’t get me started on that word… ” I’m like dude, you’re a mass murderer. Did you expect to be sipping tea with Dr. King?

So do you think this will bring and end to terrorist activity here on Earth?

An end! Ha! That’s funny. Nothing ever ends. Let me put it this way: The day Osama died, Shaytan hired 5,000 more virgins.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.