Uses For a Uterus

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Let me tell you about the rat I keep in my uterus. He stores cotton balls, faux feathers, and little pink beads in me to make the perfect nest. I use these in my crafts. My uterus is squishy, and he has a fun time in there bouncing around and sometimes I have to bang on my belly to make him stop. It tickles but is awkward in public. He is quickened by cinnamon, and plays tricks on all my sphincters. I call him my pocket protector. In the mornings there are little rat marks on my thighs; somehow he gets out, but I always let him come home to my beaded plush cave. I would let you pet him, but he has claws and a tail like a real baby, even little milk teeth!



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My uterus is smart as a box of rocks, a bag of hammers. My uterus is a knife short of a full set. In my uterus, the lights are on, but nobody’ home; the wheel is spinning, but the rat is dead. If my uterus were a Happy Meal, it would be one fry short; if it were in a box of crayons, it would be the dullest. Once upon a time, my uterus looked in the mirror and asked to see the prettiest uterus in all the land and the mirror broke into a hundred pieces. My uterus is so fat it sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out; so fat it looks like a baby’s in there.



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My uterus is a suitcase lined with layers and layers of soft pink organza decorated with little silver stars, and in it I pack my charms: a small porcelain lion, a bouncy ball, a pair of pink and purple striped socks (one has a hole in the heel), three of my mother’s poems about spoons, two sharpened pencils, mint bubblegum, pink flower paperclips, backup tampons, an acceptance letter, a vial of pink perfume, my diary–no! it’s my idea book!–and a picture of flamingos. my uterus has a little copper buckle that keeps all my belongings safe inside, and it smells of melted Bonne Bell chocolate pie a-la-mode lip gloss.