All Things Pankish

Gallimaufry: More Plans By Herman Cain

[admin / November 11th, 2011 / Young Bright Things ]

Everyone knows about Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 Plan. But what about his other plans? Here’s your chance to familiarize yourself with them.

3-2-1 Plan
Herman Cain will hand out little joystick-like paddles with a red button on top. Simply push the red button and watch your taxes go down and Herman Cain go up, up, up, as you just pushed the Launch Herman Cain Into Space button! Pretty cool, huh?!

4-1-1 Plan
Call Herman Cain anytime and, for just 25 cents, he’ll give you the residential or business phone number you’re looking for! Make sure you thank Herman for his time; doing so will ensure that he doesn’t visit your house and dismember you with a chainsaw.

6-6-6 Plan
This is the same as the 9-9-9 Plan except that, to be eligible, you have to stand on your head. Just kidding! This plan will give you a tax break if you worship Satan, The Accuser.

Delta-Delta-Delta Plan
Herman Cain sexually harasses the entire Delta Delta Delta sorority.

623-99-0924 Plan
Call me paranoid, but this is the plan in which Herman Cain tries to steal my identity using my social security number.

000011111-000000001-000000 Plan
This is a plan that only Herman Cain can see because he is a robot.

34847834792234234-8974793274982934-239774737 Plan
Nobody really knows what this plan is all about. We’ve tried asking Herman Cain, but he refuses to speak about it. Some think Herman’s just fucking with us. But how, then, do you explain the rotting goats hanging among the Sopressata in Cain’s basement? See, you can’t. I think it’s clear that the 34847834792234234-8974793274982934-239774737 Plan is very real.

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gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg Plan

This is the plan in which Herman Cain falls asleep on his keyboard while trying to think of a new gimmick to keep him up in the polls.