Tracy Gonzalez offers some insight into the trouble with giving a man a boner in the April issue. She talks with us about how to give a man a boner with ordinary household objects, and other boner-related matters.
1. How would you give a man a boner using all the following items in conjunction of each other: a paper clip, a rubber band, the b-side Smashing Pumpkins song “Rotten Apples”, a match, a half used can of hairspray, and a bootleg copy of Oldboy dubbed in Portuguese?
While the Smashing Pumpkins song and Oldboy played in the background, I would use the hairspray to pretty up my 80â€™s hairdo (never say die!) while seductively attaching the paper clip and rubber band to my nipples.Â Oh, and I would be dancing while waving the match, lit, above my head.
I know this sounds like it would have the opposite effect of inducing a boner, but Iâ€™d still give it the old college try until one made itself known in my presence.
2. What mythical creature would you want to give a boner?
Definitely a centaur.
3. How would you start an institution where boners can be loaned? How would you calculate the interest rate?
I would start it in an empty shipping container out behind an old grocery store in the field behind the parking lot.Â The interest rate would be calculated based on how large of a boner is loaned and for how long and number of uses/thrusts. (The boners will have a sort of Lojack system embedded with a thrust counter)Â I am going to get so rich!
4. Would you really want a mile long boner?
No.Â Unless I was a Gargantua.
5. Who is “Give a Man a Boner” about?
My dad.Â No, my brother. Â No, Clint Eastwood.
6. What would it take for you to give Liam Neeson a boner despite all of these facts?
Based on those facts, I think it would take very little to give Liam Neeson a boner, but I would do my darndest.