Ask the Author: Myfanwy Collins

Poinsettias, by Myfanway Collins, appears in the June issue. She shares some sad facts about poinsettias and much more.

1. What would you like to exhale?

I would like to exhale all of my fear. I want it to spill out into the atmosphere and dissipate so that I am not in this constant, crippling state of fight or flight. Just now I drove onto my street and saw that my neighbor’s doberman–the one that barks and makes to chase me every time I go for a run–has broken through his invisible fence. Several things could happen now, all of which I fear. He could keep running as he was and end up lost. He could get hit by a car and end up crippled or dead. Or he could simply go back home with his owner’s none the wiser only to break through his fence again the next time I am running and finally, finally do as he wishes with me, which is to attack me, to bring me down and I will end up like the woman who was mauled by her friend’s chimp. I will end up awaiting my face transplant or I will end up dead and everyone will say, “I don’t know what happened. The dog had never been a problem before. He was so quiet. Kept to himself.”

But these fears pale in comparison to the ones I have regarding my child. From the minute I knew I was pregnant, the bulk of my fear shifted to him, to wanting to protect him. I play out scenarios of what might happen and how I can protect him. When the fear becomes too great, I make myself a super hero in my mind and then I am always able to save him because I know all and see all and am always there. These fears are the ones that I can’t exhale. They are not made of air. They are flesh. My flesh. My body. My blood.

2. What is your strangest addiction?

To ask this of someone with an addictive personality is a trick question. I like it. Now I’m thinking of that show about the people with the strange addictions. I’ve only seen a couple of episodes because I find it painful to watch and, honestly, it gets a bit monotonous. How much can you say about someone who is addicted to corn starch? And are these really addictions or are they some off shoot of OCD? That I know about this show should clue you into one of my addictions (not really an addiction, though, I guess) and that is reality TV. I have watched every episode of every Real Housewives of every city. Top Chef, The Real World (and especially the real world challenges!), Project Runway, whatever. I get a kick out of it all. I’ve always loved TV. Always.

I get annoyed by people who feel the need to proselytize about their non-TV household in a public forum. The type who put into their Facebook profile under “favorite tv shows”: “I don’t own a TV because TV is for idiots.” (or whatever). Facebook is not holding a gun to your head and making you fill in your favorites. You can actually leave that space blank.

As if those of us who do own and watch TV are the sullied masses. And so maybe we are? If so, that is what I prefer to be. I also read one or two books a week and I also know that when novels first came into popularity as a form of entertainment there were people who said the same thing about them as the anti-tv people do now and that is that they will rot your brain.

It comes down to this: I don’t care if you don’t watch TV. Do whatever makes you happy, but don’t knock me if I happen to like it.

3. Why did you choose Altoids as Mandy’s addiction?

I was following the ever-popular writing advice: write what you know. Altoids are really, really good, don’t you think? I prefer the classic peppermint to the cinnamon, though I will do the cinnamon in a pinch. I can no longer find the Altoid sours and this is probably a good thing. Once I was inspired to eat an entire tin of the sours in one sitting and essentially burned the roof of my mouth off.

4. What would your turkey to smell like (other than turkey)?

I can tell you what I don’t want my turkey to smell like and that is a rotting carcass. Not good.

5. Why must Christmas force poinsettias down our throats?

I did some research in order to answer this question and found these two depressing “facts” (here’s the source: http://urbanext.illinois.edu/poinsettia/facts.cfm):

Eighty percent of poinsettias are purchased by women.
Eighty percent of people who purchase poinsettias are 40 or older.

6. Give me your best non sequiturs..

I feel like most of my responses here have been non sequitors, don’t you?