Ask the Author: Joseph Michael Owens

Contemptibly, A Hair, in our March issue, is guaranteed to make you laugh. The author, Joseph Michael Owens, talks with us about free coffee at work, how he takes his coffee and much more.

1. What is your theory on the bitterness of the free coffee at work?

There are likely a few possibilities. The first of which being that those who prepare the coffee in such an incredibly disgusting way have no taste buds, OR they are actually slave-driving robots. The bitterness corresponds to a sense ofsub-pleasure required at work for maximum productivity and employee output. “Sub-pleasure” in the sense that coffee is traditionally meant to be an enjoyable, if compulsory, way to start the day. However, the [free] bitter coffee is only meant as a fuel for employee focus. If the employees were provided, say, a freshly-roasted free-trade Sumatran blend from their local independent coffee shop, I imagine they might then be apt to savor their beverage in a more time-consuming manner, perhaps daydreaming a little while congregating with a few of their coworkers-cum-coffee-connoisseurs by the newly-purchased Bunn Pour-O-Matic [paid for by the completely non-obligatory and donation-only-based “Employee Morale Fund” jar] and, potentially, they might even have fun at work, which everyone at The Agency knows is buried somewhere deep in The Agency’s own policy and procedures manual as being a big “no-no.”

2. How did you go about putting the act of obtaining coffee under such a microscope in “Contemptibly, A Hair”?

I actually worked at a place that brewed the coffee exactly, no joke, as described in the story which drove me absolutely nuts. They’d claim you couldn’t really taste the difference between a fresh pot and twice- and thrice- brewed grounds which was wholly ridiculous to me. It started off as a joke but eventually became an obsession. I’d even considering starting a petition among my coworkers. I mean, you can really only take getting instant heartburn so many times. In the end, I bought myself a smallish French press and brought it to work. Problem solved.

3. How do you take your coffee?

With a smile and a ray of sunshine! I’m just a huge fan of coffee in general. I’ll drink it most ways but prefer it black from a French press. It’s got this really great texture and flavor that you simply don’t get with drip coffee.

4. What do you think the non-dairy creamer is actually made out of?

Undoubtedly, the tears of small children added to the pulverized remains of ten-thousand cubicle workers’ hopes and dreams. Of course I’m mostly talking about the powdered kind, which is altogether more terrible than the liquid kind. “Non-dairy” in and of itself is also, I think, a somewhat nebulous term. I.e. soy milk is “non-dairy,” but so was Vitamite 100– which I believe might now be discontinued or rebadged as a wholly new product. Vitamite used to be made with hydrogenated oil and other various ingredients I can’t pronounce but feel somewhat apprehensive about. My stomach doesn’t seem to tolerate ingredients with protracted, scientific-sounding names very well and my conscience is not a fan of children’s tears.

5. Who would you cast in the made-for-TV movie of “Contemptibly, A Hair”?

Ed Helms would almost certainly have to play Stan Manley. Kathy Adkins would probably best be played by Megan Mullally. And the boss, Madeline Van Lancaster seems like she’d be an Allison Janney type. Of course I’ve been known to change my mind a lot so I’d say this list is probably tentative at best. However, I liked these characters and the setting so much that I’m in the process of writing a longer thing with them. More coworkers will certainly be needed but this story has given me a lot of ideas.

6. How would you sweeten a disheartening mug of infinite melancholy and disgust?

The only things that’ve been historically effective when dealing with infinite melancholy and disgust are hefty doses of puppy dogs and lollipops (which can also be substituted with ice cream). Puppy dogs of course do not make a good coffee additive but they are almost always in a fantastically good mood which is infectious. Though, ultimately, I’d imagine some paid time off might work wonders for Stan. Or medication. A Xanax or two might make Stan’s coffee better.