Ask the Author: Jen Gann

Jen Gann’s Tiger Town is part of the July issue and today there’s more tiger talk than you thought was possible.

1. If a dead tiger washed up on the beach, would you wear its pelt?

Maybe if someone dried it with a hair dryer? I think it would be wet and smelly straight off the bone.

2. If you were a tiger, how would you commit tiger suicide?

If I were a suicidal tiger, I would probably commit accidental suicide by eating too much.

3. Would you hunt nature’s most dangerous game, Tony the Tiger? Would you use insulin to take him down?

Yes, I would hunt Tony. I’d drown him in milk.

4. How would you summon a tiger through witchcraft? Take us through the process.

Sometimes at party stores you can buy orange balloons with black tiger stripes on them. I’d blow up a bunch of these and tie them together until the balloon mass was the size of a tiger. The balloon mass would bob around in the center of the room. Once it bumped into a piece of furniture, I’d pop all the balloons and stuff them deep into the garbage. The next day, a tiger would be in the space where the balloons had been. Roar! Surprise.

5. Are tiger stripes ever good looking on a human?

Tiger stripes are only good looking on humans in secret spots. Maybe on the inside of a bicep or in the shadow of a very sharp ankle bone.