Cool Steve, by Jeffrey Carl Jefferis, appears in the December issue, and he talks with us about the intersections between Steve and coolness, gang names and more.
1. I’ve never met a cool person named Steve. Is this because I do not know cool people in general or that the name Steve is just not ordinarily a cool name?
oh, come on. thats a tad overstated, no? steve martin, steve guttenberg, steve mussolini, any girl named stevie. theres plenty of coolness flying around. speaking of mussolini, why is it that italy does not shoulder any of the burden of world war II? the sighs and grunts of older americans and the negative historical generalizations seem to have landed entirely on germany and japan. that, on the other hand, is not cool, and, dare i say, should not fly. steve guttenberg is not italian. point made.
2. What would be the name of your gang and its prime directives? What would be your nickname?
gang name: the amish heaters
my nickname: The Oh-No-He-Didn’t
directive [singular]: ensure the publication of my childrens story about a young boy whose fingers, after an unfortunate fishing accident, transform into multi-colored, lovable, however insatiable, glow worms titled “Hand Fools”
3. What is the worst job you’ve ever had?
i washed dishes in a thai restaurant in college. the washing of the dishes was not so bad. i’m a bit obsessive about cleanliness and order and washed dishes in several other horrible establishments. plus i swiped unconsumed shrimp from plates. but the owner of the thai restaurant and her family/staff were all very short, and had adjusted the kitchen to suit their physiques. i am not short. i am fairly tall. meaning i spent 5 hours a night after class bent over at roughly a 72 degree angle. it hurt, eventually.
4. How do you like your failures?
thanks for the set up. [insert typical 'smothered in ____ with a side of ____ and a nice glass of _____' joke]. i’ve come to terms with failures inasmuch as it has become so obviously clear that the list of things i am simply incapable of doing is outrageous. its comical actually. listing my lack of natural skills and talents makes me laugh more and more the longer i go.
5. What is the strangest thing you’ve wanted to be when you grew up?
when i was a kid, i long believed that toilets operated with the use of a sensor. that after you would flush, the water would rise until it triggered the sensor, and then receded. after i ultimately discovered that a toilet operates with a much more sensible mechanism, and by extension that i was a moron, i decided that i wanted to be the guy who never wears a leather jacket, ever.
6. Who would you rumble with?
hulk hogan, jet li, shaquille o’neal, the entire united states military, and bronson pinchot . . . would be my invited guests to help me dispatch from earth tyler perry. and homophobes. essentially those who say the same thing over and over when it did not even approach the outer bounds of thoughtful the first time around.