An Interview With Miami-Dade Mayoral Candidate Luther "Uncle Luke" Campbell

Luther “Uncle Luke” Campbell, first as leader of  the rap group, 2 Live Crew and then as a solo artist, has recorded some of the raunchiest party songs of all time. Campbell masterminded such hits as, “Me So Horny” and “Head, Head & More Head.” In addition to his X-rated music, Campbell is also known for his legendary stage shows, which have featured a gyrating and jiggling army of scantily-clad strippers or “Luke Dancers.” Since the recall election that claimed the job of former Miami-Dade mayor Carlos Alvarez, Campbell has been the most famous candidate campaigning to replace him. We spoke with Campbell on the eve of Tuesday’s elections. His answers, at times, seemed to echo his lyrics in their irreverent vulgarity. Campbell, in an interview that is in turns profane and profound, discussed his music, plans for the county and a tax on exotic dancers.

Luke, would you mind introducing yourself for readers who may not be familiar with you?

My name is Captain Dick and I represent the South, just a-traveling around the world and turning bitches out.

Well, as your answer implies, you’ve been a rapper—a very raunchy rapper—for the past twenty-plus years. If you win this thing, don’t you think you’ll miss making music?

We don’t need no music ‘cause all we want to do is sing and dance and party down and play with pussy too.

Do you think voters will have a problem with the type of music you’ve made in the past?

This ain’t nothing but booty shaking, money making ghetto style music.

These are interesting answers. Most political candidates seek to re-brand themselves and play down any controversies from their past. You seem to be courting controversy.

Y’all know who started them hos to taking off their clothes and wearing G-string thongs in videos.

That may very well be true, but some voters might not look at that as a positive development.

Let me break y’all niggas off some knowledge here. The knowledge is that, yeah, the first nigga to have bitches in videos is Luke. The first nigga to own his own record company, black independent rap record company, is Luke.

If that’s true, being the first black independent owner of a rap label is impressive. What other accomplishments would you like voters to consider?

The first nigga to have bitches doing all kinds of things and introducing motherfuckers to the strip game is Luke. Because only white hos was stripping at the time, know what I mean?

Well, that brings us to one of your more controversial policy proposals: taxing exotic dancers to generate revenue for the county….

This is going out to all the strippers in the world. We ain’t got nothing but love for y’all.

Many critics have said this proposal doesn’t show “love” for strippers, instead they have characterized it as an unnecessary tax that further penalizes a population who often pay a large portion of their earnings back to their employers in the form of house fees, fines and other assorted hidden costs.

I know you want to get your Gs, so bitch please let me see you get low to your knees. Work for that money girl, it’s on you.

Yes, like every other working person in the world, it is on them to earn a living, but doesn’t your proposal make it harder for strippers to make ends meet?

Being the person I am I thought it would be easy. I’ll be the tipper, you be the stripper. Conversations every now and then. Every now and then I want to see you again. It started slow and picked up fast. It’s been six months so my how time passed. After so long the feeling has grown. Cats call you, but you ain’t never at home. You chilling with me, Captain D and I’m your customer like EPMD. The player in me is getting down and every now and then we take a trip out of town. You and me we can’t get caught up, falling in love spending them dubs. First to try to get with ya, but a stripper gon’ be a stripper and a tipper gon’ be a tipper.

I’m not sure what that anecdote has to do with the question….

Could it be I’m falling in love with a stripper?

Aren’t you married? And hasn’t your wife been stumping for your campaign?

I got a little wifey at home. You know why I got a little wifey at home? Because I’m tired of fucking all these hos. I done had so much pussy that pussy done growed on my motherfucking dick.

Uh, that’s certainly very crude.

Yeah I’m buck ass wild. But finesse the style, gotta check my file. Ain’t lost nothing.

You might lose the election if voters don’t think you’re serious about this and I’m not sure how crude statements help your cause.

Personally I don’t give a fuck about you motherfuckers who don’t like my shit; who got problems with my shit; niggas who don’t like me personally. Only people I give a fuck about it is my fans, friends and family.

That doesn’t seem like a winning attitude for a politician.

Yo, it’s about time I set the motherfucking record straight. A nigga been quiet for a long time around this motherfucker here while motherfuckers talk all kinds of slick shit about me. Yo, if you ain’t rolling with Luke, fuck you.

Your campaign slogan, “Dead serious,” acknowledges that people might have a difficult time taking your mayoral run seriously. Voters, I think, would like a reassurance that you are not punking them. For instance, what would you say is your political philosophy.

Don’t stop, get it, get it.

OK. Economically, Miami-Dade County has been hurting in recent years. What will you do to bring business and residents back to the county?

Golden showers every day.

And what can residents expect from your mayoral addresses?

Approach from the dressing room and step on stage, partially intoxicated got the crowd in a rage. You know I got them hits. You know I got that shit for them shaking ass honeys with the nice round tits. Fat girls and all, just keep on rocking and got the crowd going crazy. Ain’t nobody can stop it. Everybody got a ho shaking. It’s all good. Got them niggas chanting: Take it off! Acting a fool.

That certainly sounds more, uh, raucous than past administrations.

You know me, known to get off the chain; stand on stage, get me some brain.

So, what do you think you’ll be doing on election night?

Trying to get them roofies right for my nigga, Ugly, tonight.  Trying to get them ecstasy-c-c-c, why don’t you take one with me?

Sorry, I’m not interested in that. I was more asking where you think you’ll be watching the returns? Most candidates have some sort of party for their supporters…

We in the Marriot resort penthouse suite. We got Kentucky Fried Chicken and these hos for a treat.

Something a lot of critics have found troubling, Luke, is your attitude toward women…

I love pussy. I cherish pussy, but what I don’t like, I don’t like them hos.

That’s what I don’t understand. You seem to isolate certain types of women and heap scorn onto them. What, generally, is your problem with women?

Some ladies don’t like douching and I don’t understand that shit there.

I’m not sure how your answers will resonate with your female voters. Or do you not care about that?

You can’t treat them hos with too much respect.

And why is that?

Do the ladies run this motherfucker?

Traditionally, political power has been mostly in the hands of men, yes, but that is changing….

You gotta keep a ho in her place. You got to let a ho know one thing: You are a ho. And you are my ho. So what you need to do is you need to go get me another ho to fuck you and the other ho while you fuck the other ho. That’s the game and that’s how the game go.

Luke, these are some frankly offensive sentiments. Women are more than sex objects.

Whatever, whatever, what, what, whatever…..

This is something you should take seriously as a man and as a mayoral candidate.

Let me hear you say, “Booty, booty, booty…”

I find your mockery childish.

Take off that G-string baby, ‘cause you know you look real crazy.

I’m quite secure in my manhood—

Everybody say, “Hey, we want some pooosay….”

I find this all very insulting and juvenile.

Shut up, ho, shut up.

This has gotten a bit off-track, Luke. Let’s go back to music for a minute, because your music is an issue in this campaign. What would you say is the idea you were trying to convey as a rapper?

I want to know why everybody like having sex more than they like doing anything in the whole world.

Well, it’s a basic human need—

If you believe in having sex say, “Hell yeah!”

Uh, hell yeah…look, maybe we should wrap up, this is getting out of hand.

Let me hear you say, “Head, head and mo’ head.”

No.

Straight from the back, I see that booty crack. Bend down and touch the rug; I want that dookie love.

Uh, OK. I gotta go.

Previously: Wyclef Jean in His Own Words.

Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the fucking place, tweets @reeamilcarscott and blogs at datsun flambe.