Pop Ulcer
Potty Mouth
Strangers in public restrooms lend to memorable moments, which sometimes inspire my writing. While relieving myself at a supermarket urinal today, a gentleman’s phone conversation echoed from a stall: Did you return that movie I left on the table? Damnit! … Continue reading
The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
D. Ray White was a revered mountain dancer from Appalachia who, while being filmed for the documentary The Talking Feet, was murdered in a shootout in 1985. His son Jesco filled his tap shoes and has danced his way to … Continue reading
Remembering Biddy
My mom slept until noon today, and—considering how unusual that is—I got worried. She was still. I thought she had taken the wrong cocktail of pills and would never wake. She was breathing. My best friend’s mother died last week, … Continue reading
The Perfect Writing Chair
One of the joys of being a writer is buying things to make us better writers. For some this involves treating themselves to a latte, an iPad, or—in my current case—a writing chair. The couch and bed have trumped my … Continue reading
Dirty Laundry
Washing bedding is stupid when you’re tired because stretching a fitted sheet over a mattress takes effort. I considered sleeping on an unmade bed, but I’m not thirteen. I waited for my sheets to dry like an adult, ate blue … Continue reading
Childhood Tastes Like a 9-Volt Battery
I used a found Collective Soul CD to scrape dried cat vomit off my dresser. When’s the last time you bought a CD? I don’t miss them. There isn’t much romance to them. They don’t crackle and warm like vinyl. … Continue reading
“There is No Safe Haven Like Being at Mother’s Breast”
Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy: One month into writing POP ULCER, I have been diagnosed with my first stomach ulcer. Thanks to TUMS and Prevacid, my stomach feels a little less like a voodoo doll. I have no appetite. If … Continue reading
Androgene
When I was a boy, I used to wear my grandfather’s t-shirts as dresses. My family called them togas. My grandfather once caught me stuffing with shoulder pads— his 5-year-old grandson on a step stool, makeshift breasts reflected in the … Continue reading
Kids Say the Darndest Things & We Should Exploit Them After We Correct Them
My aunt looks like Justin Bieber. When I grow up I wanna be skinny. Not fat like my mom. I have two really small toes like midgets do. ‡ These gems sparkle from the mouths of third grade students I’ve … Continue reading
I’ve Always Wanted To Be a Housewife
Earlier I thought about raw fast food chicken soaked in ammonia, so I ordered a double cheeseburger and fries. If you get McDonald’s, take the long way home. We think we’re invisible to others when we drive. Blast that Katy … Continue reading