Forgive Him Father, For He Knows Not What He Has Done
How the Gingrinch Stole Christmas!
All the Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, But the Gingrinch, he did not. He hated Christmas and everybody who lived. It was because his heart was three sizes too small and his head two sizes too big. … Continue reading
Bowdlerized Books Presents: Excerpts From The Lorax, Abridged Version
We at Bowdlerized Books love literature. That much is certain and cannot be disputed. We live for the moment we read a great book and our minds start swirling as if suddenly activating parts of our brains that have atrophied. … Continue reading
Nightmares of a Screamy Baby
My son, he’s 10 months old. Funny kid. Has a cute broad smile that he often displays alongside hysterical laughter. Since he doesn’t have any language I can’t ask him what he is laughing about. Talking to him is a … Continue reading
Critical Perspectives on Jay-Z and Kanye West’s ‘Otis’ From Seven Guys Named Otis
I’m really feeling this. These dudes is balling. “Luxury rap, the Hermes of verses.” That’s just how I’m living. They speaking my language. I mean, this is how I’m gonna be living. I guess this very moment I’m the-Hermes-of-sitting-on-my-ass-in-my-mother’s-basement. I’m … Continue reading
A Special Announcement From President Barack Hussein Obama
My fellow Americans, my colleagues and I in the Democratic Party recently made a debt deal with our friends across the aisle in the Republican Party. This deal averted a crisis—the debt ceiling was raised and our country avoided default—but … Continue reading
Ya Girl Kool Emcee White Chicky-V, yo Discusses Her Use of the N-Word
What up my niggers and niggerettes? My name Ya Girl Kool Emcee White Chicky-V, yo. Niggers be getting that twisted an’ shit. Only wan’ take the middle part an’ don’ be tryin’ to say the whole thing. If you say … Continue reading
Tigger Blood: A Letter from Rep. David Wu to his Colleagues in the House
Dear Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and my Colleagues in the House, I’d first like to apologize for my behavior. I realize that it has become quite erratic. I will explain that, as well as the enclosed picture of me in … Continue reading
The Truth About Planking
It was late the other night and, if I remember correctly, the day had been unconscionably hot. The heat had given me leaden arms and legs. I lay face down on my couch blinking my dusty eyes and drifting between … Continue reading
An Open Letter to Stanley the Stinkbug, the only Stinkbug in America. Sorry for Flushing You Down the Toilet, but You Stink
Dear Stanley the Stinkbug, Minutes before sitting down to write this, my wife screamed like an unknown man was in the apartment, which could only mean one thing: you had somehow breached the defenses of my home and were dangling … Continue reading
Substitute “Baby’s First Words” in Case my Son’s Actual First Word Turns Out to be Profanity
Shift Funk Mister Funkster Funk that shift, you shift-for-brains Mister Funkster. Count What a funky count. Hiss Crock Mass Dan Dan Ick Got Dan Got Dan Ick Pits If that shifthead Mister Funkster keeps staring at my wife’s got Dan … Continue reading
Bishop Bobby Bling Speaks: A Sermon
Let me hear the congregation say Amen. I can’t hear you; the congregation’s gotten shy all of a sudden? It don’t matter that you don’t know what I’m about to say. Just say Amen. If Jesus come down here and … Continue reading
Somewhat Ineffective Jokes About Your Mother
Your mother’s so ugly that many people find her very, very unattractive. * Your mother’s feet have so many corns, that she should probably see a podiatrist. Perhaps the foot doctor can prescribe something to clear that up. * Your … Continue reading
Transcript: Anthony Weiner’s Penis Answers Questions During His Press Conference
Monday, Representative Anthony Weiner called a press conference to admit to sending racy pictures to women over the internet. While Weiner answered questions, his penis was below, likewise, responding to questions. Here we present the previously inaudible answers of Rep. … Continue reading
Ol’ Clementine Explains How he and a Team of Navy SEALs Killed Osama bin Laden
NOTE: This is the third and final post in the series, THE MERKING OF OBL (though it may be back as an occasional feature). Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Eds. note: At 236-years-old, Ol’ Clementine is the oldest man … Continue reading
An Interview With Miami-Dade Mayoral Candidate Luther “Uncle Luke” Campbell
Luther “Uncle Luke” Campbell, first as leader of the rap group, 2 Live Crew and then as a solo artist, has recorded some of the raunchiest party songs of all time. Campbell masterminded such hits as, “Me So Horny” and “Head, Head … Continue reading
The Merking of OBL Part 2: Barack Obama Calls George W. Bush
NOTE: This is the second post in the series, THE MERKING OF OBL, which will explore the death of Osama bin Laden. Read Part 1 here. Check back later this week for part 3 and maybe 4, I haven’t decided … Continue reading
The Merking of OBL Pt. 1: An Interview With Fred, Osama bin Laden’s 72nd Virgin
NOTE: This is the first post in the series THE MERKING OF OBL, which will explore the death of Osama bin Laden. Check back later this week for parts 2, 3 and maybe 4, I haven’t decided yet, as well … Continue reading
Birther Control or Ol’ Clementine Got Some Questions About The President’s Birth Certificate
Eds. note: At 236-years-old, Ol’ Clementine is the oldest man in the world. He worked as a slave in most of the Confederate states and has continued the profession long after Emancipation. Occasionally, he shares his unique perspective on the … Continue reading
Moses and God Compose the 10 Commandments
We’ve reached the holiest time of the year, where Jews celebrate their escape from bondage in Egypt and Christians celebrate the torture and brutal murder of Jesus Christ. This holy moment for the Jews culminated in Moses the Law Giver, … Continue reading
Ol’ Clementine Remembers the War of Yankee Aggression
Eds. note: On the 150th anniversary of The Civil War, that chapter in the country’s history remains a controversial one. To gain perspective, we turn to the world’s oldest man, former Alabama slave, Ol’ Clementine. At 236 years old, he … Continue reading
Open Letter to James Franco so if you are not Jimmy Franco Please Stop Reading. Thanks.
Dear Jimmy, Forgive me for being so informal. My initial draft began, “Dear Mr. Franco,” but after you read this, we’re going to become good buddies and nothing as formal as “Mr. Franco” will do. You’ll call me on my … Continue reading
DYN-O-MITE!: The Revolutionary Origins of an Explosive Catchphrase
Long thought to be a sitcom catchphrase like any other—DYN-O-MITE!—the excited refrain of James Evans, Jr., the oldest son on the Norman Lear produced family sitcom, Good Times, is perhaps the most interesting and subversive in television history. The refrain … Continue reading
Slave, Please
I must have read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn a long time ago, back when I was a teenager or something like that. Never finished it. Figured there wasn’t much to it. A bunch of ignorant White folks saying ‘nigger’ … Continue reading
A Sample of Critical Reactions to Martin Lawrence’s: Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Eds. Note: In 2000, Martin Lawrence starred in the seminal black-man-in-a-fat-suit-portraying-a-black-woman comedy, Big Momma’s House. This was an exciting moment for cinema. Lawrence, long thought to be the clown, turned in a sensitive and nuanced performance as a man who, … Continue reading
This Modern Writer: Wyclef Jean In His Own Words by Rion Scott
Editor’s Note: We conducted this interview with rapper and activist Wyclef Jean shortly after he announced his bid for the Haitian presidency. Haitians officials have now declared him ineligible to run for the nation’s highest office. We present this interview … Continue reading
This Modern Writer: 28, NO, MAKE THAT 30, ABSOLUTELY TRUE BLACK HISTORY FACTS ON THE OCCASION OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH (FORMERLY NEGRO HISTORY WEEK). 1 FOR EACH DAY, PLUS 1 IN THE CASE OF LEAP YEAR & 1 FOR GOOD LUCK by Rion Scott
1. In 1857, frustrated by the number of informants undermining her efforts along the Underground Railroad, abolitionist Harriet Tubman printed up 500 “Stop Snitching” t-shirts and distributed them throughout the South. 2. Black History Month was in danger of being … Continue reading