A Writer Deconstructs His Rejection With an Angry Red Pen
[Roxane Gay / February 17th, 2011 / Angry Writers ]A writer submitted a story that wasn’t right for us. We have to say no more than we can say yes. We take no pleasure in it. We sent this writer a form rejection without further commentary on his story, a rejection we send out hundreds of times a month and the same rejection used by every magazine who uses the submission manager. He quickly rejected our rejection with a delightful deconstruction of the rejection letter. It’s simply too good not to share. We have not amended his e-mail in any way so as to better preserve the irony. We stand corrected.
learn how to write, you fool. Let’s see: we appreciate? no: we appreciated, cause it’s past tense….you read the story and are responding. Then: ‘but unfortunately this submission’ why unfortunately? who are you to decide? and if you’re gonna use, unfortunately, at least take time to tuck it in with commas. Then: …was not right for pank. Why past tense: is not right for pank, is the proper tense. Add insult to injury: if I follow your sentence structure, then you mix present tense: appreciate, with past tense: was not right. You guys are a joke, and not a funny one.
Learn how to write, you fool!
That should be your new standard rejection line.
^
So much of this that it hurts.
Begs the question: why did this fellow submit to a journal that he considers a joke?
Maybe you can never know the true character of a journal until you are rejected by it. Perhaps he is on a secret mission to learn the character of every journal. He is collecting these responses to use in an art/writing project. It will shock the world. Or something.
Is are was were am be being been.
he got ya’ll real good
I,,, unfortunately,,, fully appreciated the irony that was, but not is, in this post.
I pray that my next rejection comes with the line learn how to write you fool. Only so I can gleefully tell people it really happened.
Does anyone else read ‘learn how to write, you fool’ in Sir Ian McKellen’s voice? :/
I had Sean Connery, but yeah.
I had Frankie Howerd.
Dear PANK,
I hear public outcry for a “Learn how to write, you fool!” T-shirt to be added to the swag options.
Don’t you?
Love,
Tracy
My god, yes, the shirt. MAKE THIS SHIRT. I promise to buy one, the moment it releases, and to wear it to the next literary event I attend.
Late on the reply, here, but I would purchase and purchase and purchase that shirt. I would give it to my friends and be confused when they asked if I was trying to tell them something. I would get a kid sized one for my son.
That’s special.
Should it not be ‘you fools’ plural if they think ‘you guys are a joke’? It’s so dense. ‘Who are you to decide?’ is actually my favourite bit.
Who are you to decide, PANK?
I hear it in Will Self’s voice.
That’s hilarious. I think I might start replying to my rejections in a similar fashion.
I hear more of a Sean Connery voice in this rejection letter. Not the real Sean Connery, but Will Ferrell’s “Celebrity Jeopardy!” Sean Connery.
Priceless. And I second the shirt suggestion…
Please, please take Tracy’s above suggestion.
Please
Please
(Mugs too)
OH WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS T-SHIRT. HANG TIGHT.
Yesssssssss.
Jee. I can’t wait until my lit mag and the anthology that my writers group are doing both get replies like this. *sigh*
If it makes you feel any better, I once got one that said (and, no, not paraphrasing): “I am writing to withdraw any possible submission I may have made, as I do not wish to appear in any magazine that nobody reads.”
Okay, first of all, you will never ever ever appear in my magazine even if I get 1 million readers and you write a story worthy of the Nobel Prize for Literature. Second, you have no idea how many copies of my magazine are sold, nor does my website have that information anywhere. Thank you, do not come again.
This has got my sides achy with laughing. That submitter surely got panked, Roxane. I particularly loved that “add insult to injury” portion.
Hahaha. Love it.
[...] And I promise, I do solemnly and sincerely swear, that I shall not do this. Or indeed this. [...]