All Things Pankish

Ask the Author: Jimmy Chen

Today, Jimmy Chen, who gives us Of Mimesis in the October issue, talks about strange eateries, robots and clichés about women, crime and war.

1) What is the strangest place you’ve ever eaten in San Francisco?

I’ll spare you a cunnilingus story. I eat normally, so I’ll tell you about the strangest place I’ve ever drinken (my sic, my bad): “Dimples” in Japantown – one of those bars where you have to walk down a flight of stairs. I had a Martini, and the Japanese girls who “work” (let us scrutinize this verb and its full capacity) there took the “Dirty Martini” route a little too far; they basically poured me a glass of salty olive brine with two drops of vodka. The other patrons, all pre-nut busting men, seemed to really enjoy what looked like legitimate cocktails. The Japanese and Chinese have an ambivalent history, which is why, within reason, I thought “it’s because I’m Chinese.”

2) In your review of Woman in the Dunes you invite your reader to “imagine Buddhism at the mall.” Could you briefly imagine Buddhism at the mall for us?

A bald guy in an orange robe goes to Sbarro Pizza and burns the top of his mouth. “Fuck,” he thinks, but mouths nothing. A little girl comes over and asks him if he knows kung fu. “Fuck,” he thinks again, but mounts nothing. Then he goes to Mrs. Fields and eats >3000 calories worth of cookies. He asks a woman if she’d like to do it “doggie style” in a JC Penny fitting-room and is rejected on the account of his footwear. He has another >1000 calories and texts his monastery “bros b4 hos.”

3) Have you ever gone to a reading of an author who was late/ didn’t show up? What was the excuse? What was your response?

Michael Chabon didn’t show up to his reading at the SF Public Library, citing problems with BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit), an acronym full of lies. Chabon lives in Berkeley, a wonderful town where over-educated hippies judge the rest of the United States of America while eating expensive food.

4) What is the hottest you have ever been?

I lived in Starkville, Mississippi for a year (long story about a short relationship). Between June and August I stayed within a 15ft. radius of the AC. I placed ice-cubes on my scrotum just to know that “cold” still existed. I unwillingly got into arguments about Jesus Christ, which ironically, led me to think “Jesus Christ.” When it was time to go to Walmart, I cried.

5) Please list three cliches about women, crime, or war that you hate to read.

1) All women are black, 2) all black people commit crimes, and 3) all war is caused by women.

6) Have you ever smoked an electronic cigarette? Does that sound like the first like of a forgettable Phillip K. Dick story?

Never smoked an e-cig, and only smoked 3 cigarette’s in my life. The first two were in college. I was depressed and wanted to have a romantic and self-destructive experience, kind of like a Smashing Pumpkins song. The cigarettes made me feel horrible, nauseous. The last cigarette I smoked was with an artist in her studio while looking at her paintings. When you have to lie, you might as well be smoking.

7) What book should someone read if they have been cheated on by their significant other?

I recommend Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder, PhD. It has 6 customer reviews on Amazon so we know those readers didn’t kill themselves. I call that a blurb. For people who cheat, I recommend herpes.

8.) Do you look forward to servant robots?

No, I think the human race really hit its peak with the Real Doll. I could see myself having my way with a Real Doll if I was really lonely or bored. I’d ask a typical misogynist rhetorical question like “you like that huh?” I’d be sure to get some Clorox wipes first though. With a servant robot, I’d probably cut myself, and have to learn Japanese.