[6.13 / Queer Two]

MuddyEstuary.com: Women’s Forum Topic: Normal Relationships

Kidd_O posted at 19-11-2008 01:16
I am a pengkid. My age is 21 now but I have been this way since I was 12. At first, I was just a tomboy but since I started working three years ago, I met Juli (not her real name, of course), my sweet, beautiful girl. For three years, I couple with her. But then, my aunt caught us in my room one month ago. She told me to end it. If I did, she swore that she would not tell anyone. It was indeed so painful but then Juli and I started meeting in secret. Sometimes, I wonder how long I can live like this. I have tried to accept men in my life but I don’t know why I don’t feel for them. I always pray to Allah, asking him to change my heart so I can accept a man. But my heart is with Juli, even though I know this is a sin. Advice if you have any please…

MamaLin posted at 19-11-2008 01:45

At least, you realize your sin! Be strong and Insya Allah, He will support you. But you must stop couple with this girl immediately. No need to couple with a boy straight away. Be patient la! Take it slow and pray.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 19-11-2008 09:45
How can you say you are a Muslim? All Muslims know what is right and what is forbidden. Have you not heard about the fatwa against this pengkid thing? Why are you still carried away by lust? Where did you go to school?

Jojo posted at 19-11-2008 11:25
Find an amazing man. I used to like pengkids at my secondary school. But I realized now I forgot myself those years when I met my new (man) baby.

Kidd_O posted at 20-11-2008 01:10
@ Jojo I have tried to like boys but it does not feel right. Being friends with them is OK. In fact, I have a lot of good boy friends. I have a feeling my aunt is going to tell my mother and brothers. They will kill me.

@ RageAgainstTheMachineBoy I know, I know but please understand I am trying to walk the right path. I went to Sri Saman School. Why?

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 20-11-2006 08:00

An all-girls school! No wonder. You must have been influenced by the older pengkids. When I have a daughter, I am sending her to a co-ed school, where there are only Muslims. I think that will keep her away from the Chinese, Indian and other non-Muslim pengkids. They can do what they want, just not to my daughter! I am sure your father will agree with me! He probably wishes he did the same thing!

Ziana posted at 20-11-2008 13:45
Let me share with you my story… I was myself a tomboy. My face is indeed handsome like a boy’s so I didn’t have to try so hard. I loved when girls at my school admired my macho looks. I tell you I had many many admirers. No to praise myself too much…but I am not lying. BUT I have never sinned with a girl.

Anyway, to change…first you must return to Islam. Dressing like a man is not acceptable to Allah SWT. Then you must change your friends. If you can find a group of girls who are feminine and polite go for it but be careful not to fall for them. Maybe wear a headscarf. Grow your hair. Even if it’s short make it feminine like Rihanna or Posh Spice or Halle Berry. Behind that aggressive image is a hot woman. I know this even though we have not met. Why hide her? Come out! Wear make-up. Start slow. Try lip balm then lipstick eye shadow mascara. Most important throw away the men’s cologne

At home take the opportunity to learn to be a true woman from your mother and aunty. Even if you are not interested in cooking (especially!) force yourself to learn because it’s not like you are going to let your husband starve when you have your own house. This was indeed hard for me at first but now many people don’t believe I was once a tomboy. It cannot be denied that it was indeed hard to transform myself but where there is desire there are thousand thousand ways. I am glad I did it now. I get a thrill when men look at me. Young or old or handsome or ugly many many do look. All the time! It sounds bigheaded but I do feel this gives me confidence to shape my femininity further. Just be you. The real woman in you is waiting to be exposed.

Kidd_O posted at 21-11-2008 19:00
@ Ziana Wow! Your words give me hope. Today, my brothers said they wanted me to meet a man who could be my husband. They were sweet about it but I think they are indeed very serious. My aunt must have said something, maybe something indirect. Oh, I bought some Maybelline lip balm. It was 20 ringgit, almost half a day’s salary at the doctor’s office where I work. I hope it will help. What are you doing nowadays?

Ziana posted at 22-11-2008 09:00
Good Kidd_O! To answer your question I have a man now. We will marry, have one or two or maybe three children…we’ll see. Then no one can say I am not a complete woman. It’s not too late for you but don’t wait too long… you’ll be too old and we know what happens if women can’t give men babies…PM if you want to talk more. Happy changing!

MrsAli posted at 22-11-2008 09:05

Think of hell and change. Imagine if you die in the middle of loving a girl! You are committing a big sin. It’s not a joke.

Kidd_O posted at 22-11-2008 19:08
@ Mrs Ali I think of hell every day. I am very aware of it! I told my brothers that I cannot meet their friend until I am ready. It has been almost a week since I’ve seen Juli after we decided to end it. I am so sad. I can’t even eat. I didn’t go to work today.

@ Ziana I will PM you, sis. Maybe we can meet? Are you in KL? I live in Kampung Lama. Maybe at the Starbucks near Plaza D. Wangi? I will PM you directly.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 23-11-2008 08:00 Just you kill yourself . That will help you change.

KLGurl posted at 23-11-2008 11:58
Hmmm….Is pengkid born that way? Is it same as ppl born handicapped or mad? This (handicap or gila) is challenge from Allah. Maybe being pengkid also same? Does anyone know?

Kidd_O posted at 24-11-2008 08:58
@ RageAgainstTheMachineBoy Suicide is a bigger sin than being a pengkid. Sorry but I came here for help and not to be bashed.

@ KLGurl I often think the same thing. Why Allah made me this way? I’ve been reading a lot on the internet about this but still have no answers. I can’t obviously ask my religious teacher or the women I pray with at the mosque. You know, pengkids elsewhere don’t have these problems… You remember that show, “Ellen,” which got blocked on Sat TV? She’s a pengkid. She even got married to her very feminine but tall girl. In California, it’s allowed. Their families came even. I saw the wedding pictures on USWeekly.com. Men and men even can marry. I saw a talk show by that Oprah where she talked to men and men who are married. It seems she’s a lesbian too. She has a boyfriend and a secret girlfriend, according to the internet.

@ Ziana what about our date? If you don’t like Starbucks, we can go somewhere else.

MKutu posted at 24-11-2008 11:55
U dun hav to b penkid to be lesbo…lipstik is noting, Zian…

Momo109 posted at 24-11-2008 15:05
My opinion: In each person, there are two sides, feminine and masculine. Like Selina, that radio host. Her masculine side is dominant. She even rides motorcycles! Harleys! There is one teacher at my school, he speaks so quietly and is so soft but he has five children. So now that how you look doesn’t matter-you were born a woman and that’s who are. You are very young. In time, things will be different when you meet the right man. Also it seems to me that some men don’t like feminine woman, you know? I think maybe like Oprah’s boyfriend.

Kidd_O posted at 24-11-2008 14:16

@ Momo109 Yes, I heard that Selina is a pengkid/lesbian too. Isn’t she with that girl from Popula Idol? Of course, the girl has to hide it. Hmm, I guess all the lesbians have to hide. No one says anything about the pondans! Those guys can just dress like women and everyone-men and women-go see them perform and laugh.

My brothers are getting angry because I won’t leave my house. They have set up a dinner so I can meet their friend, my future husband. Huhhh… I guess I have to. I have not been back to work yet. My sick leave is going to end soon. They might sack me. I don’t care. I can’t think of anything but my Juli.

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 24-11-2008 15:06
LOL… Don’t fool yourself Kidd_O! If you like women, you like women. But seriously, Allah will decide your fate on judgment. It might be fine. It might not. Who knows? Not people on this board!!

Boboy posted at 25-11-2008 19:18
Is this conversation still ongoing? If so, here’s what I have to add, Kidd_O: Remember that you are Muslim and this is not California. Maybe you didn’t have proper religious instruction? It’s not too late. You can repent. Pondans should do the same. Don’t think just because we allow them to be fashion designers, make-up artists or performers, the same fate doesn’t await for these type of men in the hereafter.

Kidd_O posted at 26-11-2008 01:56

OK, update: today, I met with this guy, the friend of my brother. He is an engineer and has a nice two-storey house. He even went to university on a government scholarship in Australia. I wanted to ask him if there were pengkids there? His name is Azrin, almost like the girl’s name, Azreen! Hahaha! He is very gentle and quiet. Maybe I can just shut up and marry him? I mean, what’s the harm, right?

Ziana posted at 27-11-2008 13:45
Yes Kidd_O go for it. I am sorry I have not replied to your five PMs. Busy planning my wedding. My boyfriend has not asked me yet but I just want to be ready. Also I don’t go to coffee shops anymore. I told you I changed my crowd! If I were you I’d stay away from temptation too.

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 27-11-2008 22:46
But you’ll have to let him do it to you! You ready for that?

Kidd_O posted at 27-11-2008 01:34
@ TheOriginalPengKid I guess I have to be. Maybe I don’t have to do it too much. Just once in a while? Every month once? I don’t know what to do. I couldn’t take it anymore and called Juli. I told her what’s happening. She told me to marry this guy. What kind of life would we have together anyway? That’s what she asked me. I had no answer.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 27-11-2008 09:00 Are you stupid, Kidd_O?

Ziana posted at 28-11-2008 10:00
@RageAgainstTheMachineBoy Why so uncouth? What Muslim tells people to commit suicide? Even as a joke on the internet this is not good. Check in the Koran and tell me where it says to hate people! Give Kidd_O help not hate. She’s trying to change. How are you Kidd_O? Have you reached a decision about the boy?

Kidd_O posted at 01-12-2008 8:55
I don’t know what to do. My job called me and told me not to bother coming anymore. My life is a mess. I know I cannot marry this guy. I am thinking about running away…

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 01-12-2008 21:51
Don’t do it. Marry him, I mean. Run, go! There are people who can help you if you leave.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 03-12-2008 09:00
@ TheOriginalPengkid Where will Kidd_O go? I think I have an idea from yesterday’s newspaper: https//www.metrosekarang.com/metronews-story1

Pimps Prowling for “Pengkids”
Vice syndicates are targeting so-called “pengkid” women, who dress and act like men, to satisfy demand from older male punters in the Mar Kit area, according to the city’s police department.

“In the past two weeks alone, we have arrested two pimps harassing these pengkid women and several others have been warned,” Detective Ahmad Aman, chief of the vice squad at the police headquarters, told Metro Sekarang in an interview today.

Ahmad added that there has been an increase in the number of pengkids congregating in the area, a well-known magnet for runaways from other parts of the country in the last couple of month. He would not say whether the increase in pengkid runaways is a result of the recent fatwa, which declared pengkids to be haram.

“For whatever reason, many get kicked out of their homes and have nowhere to go so they come here,” Ahmad said. “And the pimps are waiting for them.”

A recent investigation by our team found around 20-30 women, sporting short hair styles-including crew cuts-and baggy jeans, loitering around the area’s Monorail station. We spoke to one homeless pengkid, who only wanted to be known as Zam, 24, who said a “chicken father,” as pimps are known, had approached her to “sell gold,” which is the street slang for the pengkid sex trade.

If Zam agreed, a customer was waiting in a hotel nearby. Zam declined the offer of RM80 (US$25), preferring to rely on leftover handouts from local food vendors. Since then, Zam has received similar propositions, including a few directly from potential johns.
“I once asked one of these guys why he didn’t just go with ordinary prostitutes, and he told me he was bored and wanted a different, rougher encounter,” Zam said.

Another pengkid, who identified herself as K, a runaway from an East Coast state, added that the men thought that pengkids were safer than ordinary prostitutes since they had lower exposure to HIV and other diseases.

K admitted that she had accepted a “gold sale” offer in desperation when she first arrived in the city three weeks ago. “It was my first time with a guy and I was so scared,” K, who is 18, said. “It was terrible and afterwards, I told myself never again!”

Reduced to begging around the city, K expressed fear for her safety and hoped that the police will take steps to stop protect pengkids in the city…

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 03-12-2008 09:03
PROTECT!? They should be rounded up and reeducated! I can’t believe the newspaper would write this! Just keep quiet and marry that guy, Kidd_O!

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 04-12-2008 7:06
Hahaha… admit it RageAgainstTheMachineBoy, you’re curious! Next time get off at the Mar Kit Monorail and ask around, yah?

Kidd_O posted at 04-12-2008 15:06
Ya, Allah, this article is terrible…The guy, my future *husband* came over to make an official proposal to my family yesterday. I was silent when he spoke and left as soon as I could to lock myself in my room. My older brother was very angry. After midnight, he forced the door open and came in with one of his friends. He started shouting at me, asking what was wrong with me? Did I think I was too good for men? He slapped me a few times. The friend stood there quietly and then he asked me if he could show me just how good being with a man could be…then he started to unzip his jeans. I told my brother to tell him to stop it. You know what my brother said? “Maybe it will be good for you. It will change you.” I screamed for my mother and finally she came and told them to go. She tried to calm me but also said that I caused this problem because of how I am.

Ziana posted at 05-12-2008 07:00
Kidd_O your brother shouldn’t have done that! Never mind he will get his punishment from Allah so don’t worry about that. Just focus on yourself. To an extent your mother is right. Try and consider my earlier words about changing. I promise you it’s worth it. You are worth it. I myself am just waiting to meet my boyfriend who is coming over because he wants to tell me something important. I know he just got a new promotion so I think it’s a proposal. Pray for it!

Kidd_O posted at 06-12-2008 11:19
I was scared the other day but now am feeling OK. I realize that maybe my mother is right. If I was a normal girl, there’d be no fights in our house. My aunt told me the next day that if I wanted to dress and act like a man, I should expect people to treat me like a man-without softness. My aunt’s right. And she’s been good to me since that night. We’re going shopping tomorrow. Her treat. I will finally leave my house.

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 06-12-2008 22:07

Kidd_O Do you understand what they were trying to do to you?! Rape is not a cure!!! I think you should get out. There are shelters run by NGOs in other parts of the city. I will PM info.

Kidd_O posted at 08-12-2008 13:00
@ TheOriginalPengKid You mad? My brother and his friend did NOT touch me that way! You make it sound worse than it was! I think in their hearts, my brothers, my mother, my aunt all want the best for me. I want to be a good Muslim. They want me to be a good Muslim. I am praying hard and really think I can succeed, Insha Allah. Don’t worry. I will be fine. Actually, I had a really nice day with my aunt yesterday. She helped me choose a pair of new trousers, few new tops and tighter t-shirts than I normally wear. I thought I should go slow and not jump into buying dresses. She paid for everything. So kind of her. When I got home, I tried on my new purchases and thought I looked cute.

@ Ziana Where are you, sis? I was thinking of you yesterday when I went shopping. Tell us your good news!

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted 08-12-2008 14:00
Glad to hear that you’re rehabilitating yourself, Kidd_O! Just to warn you those NGOs that TheOriginalPengkid mentioned are run by non-Muslims and people from the West with an agenda to ruin us. Do not go to them for help!

Ziana posted at 09-12-2008 15:10

Kidd_O Actually the news isn’t good. My boyfriend had been busy for a while and he came the other night to tell me that he’s actually met someone else. His new boss! She is an older woman-in her 40s!!-with two children from her previous marriage. I can’t believe this is happening to me. For the last two years I have indeed worked so hard to be the perfect girl for him. I’ve been in hell since he told me it’s over.

Kidd_O posted 09-12-2008 21:17
I’m so sad for you, Ziana. Ask Allah to heal your broken heart. What can I do to help? Your words have really saved me, and I would like to return the favor any way I can. Let me know via PM if you want to talk or anything.

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 09-12-2008 23:09
Never mind, Ziana, there’s someone else for you. Might not be a man!!:) Kih! Kih! Kih!

Ziana posted at 11-12-2008 17:11
Very funny! But I don’t think so TheOriginalPengKid! I have changed there is no going back for me. From your nickname I think maybe you need to change too…

@ Kidd_O Yes it is terrible but I think one more challenge from Allah. I will try hard to heal and maybe find someone else. I will PM you now. Maybe we can get drink coffee or maybe a teh tarik at the stalls. To avoid the old scene…How about I come to your house?

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 12-12-2008 19:01

Are you all retarded? Go, go la to her house, Ziana! See what happens…Maybe her brothers can take care of you too! And you OriginalPengKid, you go too. Tell us what happens you stupid, stupid woman! I can only hope someone is praying for you. I can only hope you repent in time.

Ziana posted at 14-12-2008 10:09
@RageAgainstTheMachineBoy Why so biadap? I am going to report you to the admin of this forum. If you can’t be helpful just go away…

@Kidd_O No response from you on PM? Busy? I hope everything is well with you.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 14-12-2008 12:04
Go ahead, Ziana! Report me. Who’s the one in the wrong here? Me? Report! Report! I might report all of you pengkid sinners to the religious police. You think can hide in the internet, you puki-loving prostitutes? Hahahahahahahahahahaaa

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 14-12-2008 13:29
@Ziana You changed yourself and you’re so happy, right? Life is so good, right? Yes, I am a pengkid and don’t care. I have a job, a house of my own and girlfriend.

MamaLin posted at 14-12-2008 14:03

Long time no see this thread… why so angry, Rage? Ppl trying to help Muslim sister get on the right path. What happened with Kidd_O?

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 14-12-2008 14:04 Kidd_O’s repented. Or maybe she’s leading her life as a-

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 14-12-2008 14:06 This comment has been deleted by Admin.

RageAgainstTheMachineBoy posted at 14-12-2008 14:08
This comment has been deleted by Admin. This user has been banned.

Ziana posted at 15-12-2008 11:26
Hah! Bye RageAgainstTheMachine! Admin doesn’t want aggressiveness in the forums. MamaLin I also wonder what happened with Kidd_O?

TheOriginalPengKid posted at 20-12-2008 23:09 My guess is….she ran away with Juli!:)

RATMB posted at 31-12-2008 20:35

@Ziana Like the truth, I don’t go away so easily!! HAHAHA. I hope Ziana, you haven’t cut your hair and gone back to old ways. You never know who’s coming to your door to check for sin…@TheOriginalPengkid there is no hope for you. You should just go die.

Ziana posted at 02-01-2009 09:41
What’s your problem? I am just trying to live my life with purity. And OriginalPengkid I don’t think you are right. Pray for them both.

Kidd_O posted 12-1-2009 21:17
Sorry for the quiet. I’ve had so much to do! Tell you why in a minute…:))) Just ignore TheOriginalPengkid and everyone, Ziana! PM me and we’ll talk. Sorry have not had time. This heartbreak is only temporary. Look at me, just a few weeks ago, I was crying for Juli but now I am slowly forgetting about her as I create a new life for myself. I took your advice and think everything will be OK. Oh, I want to thank everyone on this forum board for their thoughts and advice. I also want to invite you, if you have any interest, to attend my akad nikah engagement ceremony at the Kampung Lama Mosque on January 30. The reception kenduri will be at my family’s home. You are welcome so please don’t be shy to come out and join us.

J.R. Ramakrishnan's journalism has appeared in the Chicago Tribune, Harper's Bazaar and Style.com, amongst other publications. This is her first published made-up story. She lives in New Orleans.